Top Tips

Here are some of the best top tips from Viz. How did we ever survive before this sort of guidance for life came along?

Banging two pistachio nut shells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.

Cinemagoers: Have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by using the toilet before the film starts.

A post-it note stuck beneath the nose is an ideal way to foil lip-readers.

Shoppers: Take just 1 grape to the supermarket till. It won't register on the scales so you'll get it for free. Repeat this process 100 times and you have yourself a free bunch of grapes.

Horse whisperers: Speak louder. The animals will hear you more clearly thus speeding up training times.

Town Councils: Reduce litter problems by issuing blind people with pointy sticks.

Motorists: when visiting a motorway service station for a cup of tea and a slice of cake, make sure you arrange your bank loan or second mortgage before you get to the tills, thus saving time and embarrassment.

Rappers: Avoid having to say "Know what I'm Sayin'" all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

Don't waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks" simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

Drivers: If a car breaks down or stalls I front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

Female shop assistants: when a garage mechanic comes to your till, add on a selection of random items they didn't know they needed and charge them £50 labour costs for the transaction

All the help you'll ever need