If you build it...!

We all have them. Films we like but shouldn't.

I am happy to admit that I'm a bit of a culture snob and my snobbery extends right across the cultural and artistic landscape from books to art, from theatre to dance, from architecture to music and, of course, movies.

However hidden within my cultural highlights are dirty, dirty secrets. Secrets that, if discovered, woud force me to move away and live out my remaining years as a hermit or hobo. I have music on my iPod that I would be embarassed to share with the rest of the world and I have movies that I will happily sit down and watch on my own but would deny all knowledge of liking in company.

Now some bad films are good bad films. It's OK to like them because they have some sort of kitsch charm or they contain a redeeming performance or a great scene or a memorable line. The films I'm talking about are the ones that are just..... well, bad.

I can't live this lie any more. I have to purge myself. I have to confess.

And the first confession is.....

Field of Dreams

Kevin Costner has made many, many mediocre movies, from Waterworld through to the Postman via Dances with Wolves and with once possible exception (The Untouchables) they are all average at best.

The majority of them will pass me by without a second glance, but Field of Dreams is one of those films that I have a lot of affection for and, if it's on, I'm more than happy to sit down and engage with it.

The film is not particularly well written, the plot is confusing in a quasi-mystical kind of way and the performances seem to be telephoned in without much thought for character development but it I like the feel-good way it asks question about what we are doing here, and what happens once we're gone.

There is something I find life affirming about the film and I'm always left in a better state of mind once I've seen it.

Forgive me!

Patent Application No. 003419673/06

It always happens at the worst possible time. The alarm fails to go off, you oversleep or get caught in traffic and suddenly you're late for work. Whenever it happens it always seems like the whole world is in your way. It could be a meeting, it could be a job interview, in my case, it's often a training course.

What is needed is a something that will help us bulldoze our way through all of the obstructions and get us to work on time.

I propose a new light and siren that should be fitted to all cars (I think maybe a purple light and the sound of someone shouting "Sorry! Excuse Me!" in a loud and apologetic voice.)

You'd be allowed to use this only a limited number of times, say 10 times a year, but all other road users would be obliged to move out of your way and let you pass.

It's either that or I have to buy a second alarm clock.

Great Picture!

This takes some real talent. It took me a couple of minutes to work out exactly what was going on. As someone who can't draw to save my life I'm just in awe of this sort of thing.

Street art at it's most creative

A common language!

A handy guide to understanding the real meaning of comments from the opposite sex.


WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No
2. No = No
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?


MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

Glad we've cleared that up!

Personal Development!

As a trainer I'm regularly asked to carry out evaluations on members of staff. These have done the rounds a few times but they're well worth reading again.

For everyone who has ever had an evaluation - just remember, it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from US federal government employee performance evaluations.


"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."
"I would not allow this employee to breed."
"This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
"When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
"This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better."
"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
"A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
"I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
"He's been working with glue too much."
"He would argue with a signpost."
"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
"If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
"A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
"A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming."
"He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
"It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
"One neuron short of a synapse."
"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
"Takes him 2 hours to watch 60-minutes."
"The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

There is probably some truth in the rumour that al of these individuals are now senior managers in some obscure government department!

Top three....!

Here is a list of my favourite top three causes of accidents in the UK. All of these statistics are for 2002 and have been collated from the RoSPA website.

902 people injured themselves on an air freshener
An increase of 74% from the previous year. When will the makers of air fresheners realise that they can't just gamble with the health and safety of the nation like this. Expect petitions and marches on parliament.

513 people injured themselves on a packet of biscuits.
Although this is a reduction of 18% from 2001, the figures are still a concern. I have said on more than one occassion that chocolate hobnobs should be sold with safety gloves and glasses. Is no-one thinking of the children?

2747 people injured themselves on grass cuttings
Incredibly an increase of 170% on the previous year demonstrates that the authorities are still refusing to take this problem seriously. How many more people have to suffer before the threat that grass cuttings pose to us all is recognised?

I think congratulations are in order for the manufacturers of biscuits for the obvious hard work they have put in to making their packaging safer. Although the other conclusion we can draw is that people who are dumb enough to injure themselves on a packet of biscuits probably died later in the year in a horrendous grass cutting related accident.

It's natural selection at it's most effective.

Being English in Wales!

If you're an Englishman in Wales you expect to get the piss taken out of you every once in a while. It's normally good natured and we're always beating them at everything so they need to get the frustration out somehow.

Anyway... this is the sort of thing that end up in my in-tray during the Six Nations weekends.

A family of England supporters head out shopping, for Barbours, in Richmond, one Saturday before Christmas.

While in a sport shop, the son picks up a Welsh rugby shirt and says to his sister, "I've decided I'm going to be a Welsh supporter and I'd like this shirt for my Christmas present!"

The sister is outraged at this; promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your mother."

Off goes the little lad, with Welsh shirt in hand and finds his mother.

"Mum"

"Yes, son?"

"I've decided I'm going to be a Welsh supporter and I'd like this shirt for my Christmas present."

The mother is outraged at this; promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your father."

Off he goes with the Welsh shirt in hand and finds his father.

"Dad."

"Yes, son?"

"I've given this a lot of thought; I've watched the style of rugby they play and I've decided I'm going to be a Welsh rugby supporter and I would like this Welsh shirt for my Christmas present."

The father is outraged at this; promptly whacks his son round the head and says: "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"

About half an hour later, they are all back in the car heading home. The father turns to the son and says: "Son, I hope you've learned an important lesson today?"

The son turns to his father and says: "Yes, Father, I have".

Father says: "Good son, and what is it?"

The son replies: "I've only been a Welsh supporter for an hour and I already hate you English cunts!"

New kids on the blog!

Couple of interesting new additions to the blogging community

Guy Kawasaki

Bona Tempora Volvantur

Malcolm Gladwell

gladwell.com

Both very interesting writers who have a lot to say about the way things are in the world today.

Check them out if you get the chance.