Monday, February 27, 2006


Szervusz!

Just got back from Budapest, a present from my friends for my 40th birthday, and what a city it is too. It has that Central European charm that Prague had before the stag nights starting to appear on every street corner. It's quite a big city and, because the two halves are seperated by the Danube, you'd be well advised to make yourself familiar with the tram and Metro services unless you want to spend hours walking for miles and miles.

Not that that is too unpleasant as Budapest is a very picturesque city, especially if you a fan of traditional architecture. Anyone expecting brutalist post-communist buildings all over the place will be very surprised to find many beautiful, well-preserved buildings. Especially noteworthy are St Stephens Basilica and the Parliament Building, and the views across the city from the Castle Walls area are spectacular.

The people were very friendly and we found that most people in the hotels, cafes, bars and restaurants spoke good enough English for us to get away without having to attempt to wrap our tongues around too many Hungarian phrases. The food was excellent, although we tended to eat in the more upmarket places. This meant the food was not far off UK prices but I was assured that good cheap restaurants were very easy to find. I know it's a bit of a cliche but the Goulash was amazing. I could have eaten it for every meal.

Visontlatasra


Saturday, February 25, 2006

Memetic Lexicon v3.5

Here's a Little more on Memetics. Memeticist Glenn Grant came up with a lexicon of Memetics. Some of these phraes have been challenged as inaccurate but the lexicon has been revised since it's initial creation (this is version 3.5) and many of them are now routinely used in discussions about memetics.

"An idea is something you have;
an ideology, something that has you."
--Morris Berman

What if ideas were viruses?

Consider the T-phage virus. A T-phage cannot replicate itself; it reproduces by hijacking the DNA of a bacterium, forcing its host to make millions of copies of the phage. Similarly, an idea can symbiotically infect your mind and alter your behavior, causing you to want to tell your friends about the idea, thus exposing them to the idea-virus. Any idea which does this is called a "meme" (pronounced meem).

Unlike a virus, which is encoded in DNA molecules, a meme is nothing more than a pattern of information, one that happens to have evolved a form which induces people to repeat that pattern. Typical memes include individual slogans, ideas, catch-phrases, melodies, icons, inventions, and fashions. It may sound a bit sinister, this idea that people are hosts for mind-altering strings of symbols, but in fact this is what human culture is all about.

As a species, we have co-evolved with our memes. Imagine a group of early Homo Sapiens in the Late Pleistocene epoch. They've recently arrived with the latest high-tech hand axes and are trying to show their Homo Erectus neighbours how to make them. Those who can't get their heads around the new meme will be at a disadvantage and will be out-evolved by their smarter cousins.

Meanwhile, the memes themselves are evolving, just as in the game of "Telephone" (where a message is whispered from person to person, being slightly mis-replicated each time). Selection favors the memes which are easiest to understand, to remember, and to communicate to others. Garbled versions of a useful meme would presumably be selected out.

So, in theory at least, the ability to understand and communicate complex memes is a survival trait, and natural selection should favor those who aren't too conservative to understand new memes. Or does it? In practice, some people are going to be all too ready to commit any new meme that comes along, even if it should turn out to be deadly nonsense, like: "Jump off a cliff and the gods will make you fly."

Such memes do evolve, generated by crazy people, or through mis-replication. Notice, though, that this "believe-and-you-will-fly" meme might have a lot of appeal. The idea of magical flight is so tantalizing -- maybe, if I truly believed, I just might leap off the cliff and...

This is a vital point: people try to infect each other with those memes which they find most appealing, regardless of the memes' objective value or truth. Further, the carrier of the cliff-jumping meme might never actually take the plunge; they may well spend the rest of their long lives infecting other people with the meme, inducing millions of gullible fools to leap to their deaths. Historically, this sort of thing is happening all the time.

Whether memes can be considered true "life forms" or not is a topic of some debate, but this is irrelevant: they behave in a way similar to life forms, allowing us to combine the analytical techniques of epidemiology, evolutionary science, immunology, linguistics, and semiotics, into an effective system known as "memetics." Rather than debate the inherent "truth" or lack of "truth" of an idea, memetics is largely concerned with how that idea gets itself replicated.

Memetics is vital to the understanding of cults, ideologies, and marketing campaigns of all kinds, and it can help to provide immunity from dangerous information-contagions. You should be aware, for instance, that you just been exposed to the Meta-meme, the meme about memes...

The lexicon which follows is intended to provide a language for the analysis of memes, meme-complexes, and the social movements they spawn. The name of the person who first coined and defined each word appears in parentheses, although some definitions have been paraphrased and altered. (NB: in some cases, names in parentheses refer not to the word's inventor, but to the originator of an addendum to a definition -- e.g., the definition given for "cult" is my own [GMG]; additional concepts that follow are paraphrased from Keith Henson.)

Sources:

Richard Dawkins, The Selfish Gene.
Keith Henson, "Memetics", Whole Earth Review #57: 50-55.
Douglas Hofstadter, Metamagical Themas.
Howard Rheingold, "Untranslatable Words", Whole Earth Review #57: 3-8.
"GMG" = Glenn M. Grant

A Memetic Lexicon

auto-toxic: Dangerous to itself. Highly auto-toxic memes are usually self-limiting because they promote the destruction of their hosts (such as: the Jim Jones meme; any military indoctrination meme-complex; any "martyrdom" meme). (GMG) (See exo-toxic.)

bait: The part of a meme-complex that promises to benefit the host (usually in return for replicating the complex). The bait usually justifies, but does not explicitly urge, the replication of a meme-complex. (Donald Going, quoted by Hofstadter.) Also called the reward co-meme. (In many religions, "Salvation" is the bait, or promised reward; "Spread the Word" is the hook. Other common bait co-memes are "Eternal Bliss", "Security", "Prosperity", "Freedom".) (See: hook; threat; infection strategy.)

belief-space: Since a person can only be infected with and transmit a finite number of memes, there is a limit to their belief space (Henson). Memes evolve in competition for niches in the belief-space of individuals and societies.

censorship: Any attempt to hinder the spread of a meme by eliminating its vectors. Hence, censorship is analogous to attempts to halt diseases by spraying insecticides. Censorship can never fully kill off an offensive meme, and may actually help to promote the meme's most virulent strain, while killing off milder forms.

co-meme: A meme which has symbiotically co-evolved with other memes, to form a mutually-assisting meme-complex. Also called a symmeme. (GMG)

cult: A sociotype of an auto-toxic meme-complex, composed of membots and/or memeoids. (GMG) Characteristics of cults include: self-isolation of the infected group (or at least new recruits); brainwashing by repetitive exposure (inducing dependent mental states); genetic functions discouraged (through celibacy, sterilization, devalued family) in favor of replication (proselytizing); and leader-worship ("personality cult"). (Henson.)

dormant: Currently without human hosts. The ancient Egyptian hieroglyph system and the Gnostic Gospels are examples of "dead" schemes which lay dormant for millennia in hidden or untranslatable texts, waiting to re-activate themselves by infecting modern archeologists. Some obsolete memes never become entirely dormant, such as Phlogiston theory, which simply mutated from a "belief" into a "quaint historical footnote."

earworm: "A tune or melody which infects a population rapidly." (Rheingold); a hit song. (Such as: "Don't Worry, Be Happy".) (f. German, ohrwurm=earworm.)

exo-toxic: Dangerous to others. Highly exo-toxic memes promote the destruction of persons other than their hosts, particularly those who are carriers of rival memes. (Such as: Nazism, the Inquisition, Pol Pot.) (See meme-allergy.) (GMG)

hook: The part of a meme-complex that urges replication. The hook is often most effective when it is not an explicit statement, but a logical consequence of the meme’s content. (Hofstadter) (See bait, threat.)

host: A person who has been successfully infected by a meme. See infection, membot, memeoid.

ideosphere: The realm of memetic evolution, as the biosphere is the realm of biological evolution. The entire memetic ecology. (Hofstadter.) The health of an ideosphere can be measured by its memetic diversity. Totalitarian regimes attempt to enforce memetic monocultures which, like monocrops in agriculture, are inherently unstable.

immuno-depressant: Anything that tends to reduce a person’s memetic immunity. Common immuno-depressants are: travel, disorientation, physical and emotional exhaustion, insecurity, emotional shock, loss of home or loved ones, future shock, culture shock, isolation stress, unfamiliar social situations, certain drugs, loneliness, alienation, paranoia, repeated exposure, respect for Authority, escapism, and hypnosis (suspension of critical judgment). Recruiters for cults often target airports and bus terminals because travelers are likely to be subject to a number of these immuno-depressants. (GMG) (See cult.)

immuno-meme: See vaccime. (GMG)

infection: 1. Successful encoding of a meme in the memory of a human being. A memetic infection can be either active or inactive. It is inactive if the host does not feel inclined to transmit the meme to other people. An active infection causes the host to want to infect others. Fanatically active hosts are often membots or memeoids. A person who is exposed to a meme but who does not remember it (consciously or otherwise) is not infected. (A host can indeed be unconsciously infected, and even transmit a meme without conscious awareness of the fact. Many societal norms are transmitted this way.) (GMG) 2. Some memeticists have used "infection" as a synonym for "belief " -- i.e. only believers are infected, non-believers are not. However, this usage ignores the fact that people often transmit memes they do not "believe in." Songs, jokes, and fantasies are memes which do not rely on "belief" as an infection strategy.

infection strategy: Any memetic strategy which encourages infection of a host. Jokes encourage infection by being humorous, tunes by evoking various emotions, slogans and catch-phrases by being terse and continuously repeated. Common infection strategies are "villain vs. victim", "Fear of Death", and "Sense of Community". In a meme-complex, the bait co-meme is often central to the infection strategy. (See replication strategy; mimicry.) (GMG)

membot: A person whose entire life has become subordinated to the propagation of a meme, robotically and at any opportunity. (Such as some Jehovah's Witnesses, Krishnas, and Scientologists.) Due to internal competition, the most vocal and extreme membots tend to rise to top of their sociotype’s hierarchy. A self-destructive membot is a memeoid. (GMG)

meme: (pron. meem) A contagious information pattern that replicates by symbiotically infecting human minds and altering their behavior, causing them to propagate the pattern. (The word "meme" was coined by Dawkins, by analogy with "gene".) Individual slogans, catch-phrases, melodies, icons, inventions, and fashions are typical memes. An idea or information pattern is not a meme until it causes someone to replicate it, to repeat it to someone else, or to otherwise expose someone else to it. (See meme-complex).

meme-allergy: A form of intolerance; a condition which causes a person to react in an unusually extreme manner when exposed to a specific semiotic stimulus, or meme-allergen. Exo-toxic meme-complexes typically confer dangerous meme-allergies on their hosts. Meme-allergic reaction can often be triggered even when a meme-allergen is not actually present, but merely perceived to be present. Common meme-allergies include homophobia, paranoid anti-Communism, and pornophobia. Common forms of meme-allergic reaction are censorship, vandalism, belligerent verbal abuse, and physical violence. (GMG)

meme-complex: A set of mutually-assisting memes which have co-evolved a symbiotic relationship. Religious and political dogmas, social movements, artistic styles, traditions and customs, chain letters, paradigms, languages, etc. are meme-complexes. Also called a scheme (Hofstadter). Types of co-memes commonly found in a scheme are called the: bait; hook; threat; and vaccime. A successful scheme commonly has certain attributes: wide scope (a paradigm that explains much); opportunity for the carriers to participate and contribute; conviction of its self-evident truth (carries Authority); offers order and a sense of place, helping to stave off the dread of meaninglessness. (Wheelis, quoted by Hofstadter.)

memeoid, or memoid: A person "whose behavior is so strongly influenced by a [meme] that their own survival becomes inconsequential in their own minds." (Henson) (Such as: Kamikazes, suicide bombers, Jim Jones followers, any military personnel). Hosts and membots are not necessarily memeoids. (See auto-toxic; exo-toxic.)

meme pool: The full diversity of memes accessible to a culture or individual. Learning languages and traveling are methods of expanding one's meme pool.

memetic: Related to memes. (Should be pronounced "meemetic" to avoid confusion with "mimetic.")

memetic drift: Accumulated mis-replications; (the rate of) memetic mutation or evolution. Written texts tend to slow the memetic drift of dogmas (Henson).

memetic engineer: One who consciously devises memes, through meme-splicing and memetic synthesis, with the intent of altering the behavior of others. Writers of manifestos and of commercials are typical memetic engineers. (GMG)

memeticist: 1. One who studies memetics. 2. A memetic engineer. (GMG)

memetics: The study of memes and their social effects.

memotype: 1. The actual information-content of a meme, as distinct from its sociotype. 2. A class of similar memes. (GMG)

meta-meme: Any meme about memes (such as: "tolerance," "metaphor").

Meta-meme, the: The concept of memes, considered as a meme itself.

Millennial meme, the: Any of several currently-epidemic memes which predict catastrophic events for the year 2000 (or any date in the near future), including the battle of Armageddon, the Rapture, the thousand-year reign of Jesus, etc. The "Imminent New Age" meme is simply a pan-denominational version of this. (Also called the "Endmeme.")

mimicry: An infection strategy in which a meme attempts to imitate the semiotics of another successful meme. Such as: pseudo-science (Creationism, UFOlogy); pseudo-rebelliousness (Heavy Metal); subversion by forgery (Situationist detournement). (GMG)

replication strategy: Any memetic strategy used by a meme to encourage its host to repeat the meme to other people. The hook co-meme of a meme-complex. (GMG)

retromeme: A meme which attempts to splice itself into an existing meme-complex (example: Marxist-Leninists trying to co-opt other sociotypes). (GMG)

scheme: A meme-complex. (Hofstadter.)

sociotype: 1. The social expression of a memotype, as the body of an organism is the physical expression (phenotype) of the gene (genotype). Hence, the Protestant Church is one sociotype of the Bible's memotype. (GMG) 2. A class of similar social organisations.

threat: The part of a meme-complex that encourages adherence and discourages mis-replication. ("Damnation to Hell" is the threat co-meme in many religious schemes.) (See: bait, hook, vaccime.) (Hofstadter)

Tolerance: A meta-meme which confers resistance to a wide variety of memes (and their sociotypes), without conferring meme-allergies. In its strongest form, Tolerance allows its host to be repeatedly exposed to rival memes, even intolerant rivals, without active infection or meme-allergic reaction. Tolerance is a central co-meme in a wide variety of schemes, particularly "liberalism", and "democracy." Without it, a scheme will often become exo-toxic and confer meme-allergies on its hosts. Since schemes compete for finite belief-space, tolerance is not necessarily a virtue in a scheme, but it has co-evolved in the ideosphere in much the same way as co-operation has evolved in biological ecosystems. (Henson.)

vaccime: (pron. vak-seem) Any meta-meme which confers resistance or immunity to one or more memes, allowing that person to be exposed without acquiring an active infection. Also called an "immuno-meme." Common immune-conferring memes are "Faith", "Loyalty", "Skepticism", and "tolerance". (See: meme-allergy.) (GMG.)

Every scheme includes a vaccime to protect against rival memes. For instance:

Conservatism: automatically resist all new memes.

Orthodoxy: automatically reject all new memes.

Science: test new memes for theoretical consistency and (where applicable) empirical repeatability; continually re-assess old memes; accept schemes only conditionally, pending future re-assessment.

Radicalism: embrace one new scheme, reject all others.

Nihilism: reject all schemes, new and old.

New Age: accept all esthetically-appealing memes, new and old, regardless of empirical (or even internal) consistency; reject others. (Note that this one doesn't provide much protection.)

Japanese: adapt (parts of) new schemes to the old ones.

vector: A medium, method, or vehicle for the transmission of memes. Almost any communication medium can be a memetic vector. (GMG)

Villain vs. Victim: An infection strategy common to many meme-complexes, placing the potential host in the role of Victim and playing on their insecurity, as in: "the bourgeoisie is oppressing the proletariat" (Hofstadter). Often dangerously toxic to host and society in general. Also known as the "Us-and-Them" strategy.



"A Memetic Lexicon" is Share-Right (S), 1990-2004, by Glenn Grant, Montreal. (You may reproduce this material, only if your recipients may also reproduce it, you do not change it, and you include this notice.)


Monday, February 20, 2006

It's Chuck Norr... Euugh!

Some little known facts about one-man killing machine, martial arts expert and slightly below average actor, Chuck Norris.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

It as once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him.

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in God. God believes in Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad h e has never cried.

It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy sh*t! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya!".

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming "Law" and "Order" are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

It Must Be Love

Valentines Day pah!.

Anyone else think all of this relationship stuff was so much easier when you were about eight years old?

Back in those days all you had to do was throw something at a girl and if she hit you back you knew it was love.


Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Many Happy Returns!

Today was my birthday. My 40th birthday.

The day itself was great and I was suitably spoiled by my friends and family. For my main present I'm being taken to Budapest for a long weekend at the end of next week and I have other stuff happening this coming weekend apparently!

However, one present so far stands out. I was taken by a friend to the offices of Red Dragon Radio in Cardiff where I was one of only around a dozen people in a specially invited audience to watch Goldie Lookin' Chain perform three tracks for the station. They performed Your Missus is a Nutter, Maggot at Midnight and RnB and looked like they were having a really good laugh.

I got to meet the boys who signed a bunch of stuff for me and wished me happy birthday. They came across as a really normal down-to-earth bunch of lads. It's true what they say* you can take the boy out of Wales but you'll never take Wales out of the boy.

You knows it!

Saturday, February 11, 2006

Men eh! A response!

Girl wont get it. Lads will have a knowing smile.

24 THINGS THAT MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE A REAL MAN.

1, OPENING JARS
she's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.

2, CALLING SOMEONE 'SON'
Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.

3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE
Beckham free kicks? Gay. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic!

4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE
Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener; you think I can't whittle.

5, GOING TO THE TIP
A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.

6, DRINKING UP
Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. God, you're hard.

7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD
In the shed, solely to stir paint with.

8, HAVING A SCAR
Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even a burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah!".

9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE
When birds have been partying they just whine. You, on the other hand, have physical evidence of your hardness sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grrrr, what does it look like.

10, NODDING AT COPPERS
A moment's eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".

11, USING POWER TOOLS
Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.

12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR
Clang-g-g-g! Stitch that Becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE
... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are shitfaced. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.

14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT
Apparently fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

15, CARVING THE ROAST
And saying "are you a leg or breast man" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.

16, WINKING
Turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

17, TEST-SWINGING HAMMERS
Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

18, TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT
Okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE
Unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red Lion? George it is then. Seven. See ya."

20, PARALLEL PARKING
Bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his car's got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the world's best driver.

21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT
Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU
Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain hemorrhage".

23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH
"A Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?"

24, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO
A visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized sh*t.


Friday, February 10, 2006

Men eh!

I've just been sent this by a female friend. A response will be made.

THE LEARNING CENTRE FOR ADULTS
Registration must be completed by Monday, 20th March, 2006

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
How to Fill Up the Ice Cube Trays
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round table discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Lift The Seat and Avoid The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?
Group practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences between the Laundry Basket and the Floor
Pictures and explanatory graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
After Dinner Dishes - Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss of Identity --- Losing the Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help line support and support groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How to Find Things - Starting With Looking In the Right Places and Not Turning the House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open forum
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch - Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and audio tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost
Real life testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live - Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online classes and role-playing .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going to Be Late.
Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.


Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Top Tips

Here are some of the best top tips from Viz. How did we ever survive before this sort of guidance for life came along?

Banging two pistachio nut shells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.

Cinemagoers: Have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by using the toilet before the film starts.

A post-it note stuck beneath the nose is an ideal way to foil lip-readers.

Shoppers: Take just 1 grape to the supermarket till. It won't register on the scales so you'll get it for free. Repeat this process 100 times and you have yourself a free bunch of grapes.

Horse whisperers: Speak louder. The animals will hear you more clearly thus speeding up training times.

Town Councils: Reduce litter problems by issuing blind people with pointy sticks.

Motorists: when visiting a motorway service station for a cup of tea and a slice of cake, make sure you arrange your bank loan or second mortgage before you get to the tills, thus saving time and embarrassment.

Rappers: Avoid having to say "Know what I'm Sayin'" all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

Don't waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks" simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

Drivers: If a car breaks down or stalls I front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

Female shop assistants: when a garage mechanic comes to your till, add on a selection of random items they didn't know they needed and charge them £50 labour costs for the transaction

All the help you'll ever need


Friday, February 03, 2006

Rush Goalie!

Ah this takes me back!. Rules for school footie.

(I) GENERAL

(i) Matches shall be played over three unequal periods: two playtimes and lunchtime.

(ii) Each of these periods shall begin shortly after the ringing of a bell, and although a bell is also rung towards the end of these periods, play may continue for up to ten minutes afterwards, depending on the "bottle" of the participants.

(iii)There is a sliding scale from those who hasten to stand in line as soon as the bell rings, known as "poofs", through those who will hang on until the time they estimate it takes the teachers to finish the last of their Woodbines and journey from the staff room, known as "chancers", and finally to those who will hang on until a teacher actually has to physically retrieve them, known as "nutters".

(iv) It is important, in picking the sides, to achieve a fair balance of poofs, chancers and nutters in order that the scoreline achieved over a sustained period of play is not totally nullified by a five-minute post-bell onslaught of five nutters against one.

(v) The scoreline to be carried over from the previous period of the match is in the trust of the last nutters to leave the field of play.


(II) PARAMETERS

(i) The object is to force the ball between two large, unkempt piles of jackets, in lieu of goalposts. These piles may grow or shrink throughout the match, depending on the number of participants and the prevailing weather.

(ii) It is important that the sleeve of one of the jackets should jut out across the goal mouth, as it will often be claimed that the ball went "over the post" and is thus disallowed.

(iii) In the absence of a crossbar, the upper limit of the target area is observed as being slightly above head height, regardless of the height of the keeper.

(iv) The width of the pitch is variable. In the absence of roads, water hazards etc, the width is determined by how far out the attacking winger has to go before the pursuing defender gives up.

(v) At free kicks, the scale of the pitch justifies placing a wall of players eighteen inches from the ball. It is the formal response to "yards", which the kick-taker will incant meaninglessly as he places the
ball.

(III) TACTICS

(i) Playground football tactics are best explained in terms of team formation. Whereas senior sides tend to choose - according to circumstance - from e.g. 4-4-2, 4-3-3, 5-3-2, the playground side is usually ore rigid in sticking to the all-purpose 1-1-17 formation.

(IV) STOPPAGES

(i) Much stoppage time in the senior game is down to injured players requiring treatment on the field of play. The playground game flows more freely, with play continuing around or even on top of a participant who has fallen - or more likely been pushed - over.

(ii) Ball on school roof or over school wall. The retrieval time itself is negligible in these cases. The stoppage is most prolonged by the argument to decide which player must risk life, limb or four of the belt to scale the drainpipe or negotiate the barbed wire in order to return to play. Disputes usually arise between the player who actually struck ball and any others he claims it may have struck before is appearing into forbidden territory.

(iii) Bigger boys steal the ball. The intruders will seldom actually steal The ball, but will improvise their own kickabout amongst themselves, occasionally inviting the younger players to attempt to tackle them. Standing around looking bored and unimpressed usually results in a quick restart.

(iv) Menopausal old bag confiscates ball. More of a threat in the street or local green kickabout than within the school walls. Sad, blue-rinsed, ill-tempered, Tory-voting cat-owner transfers her anger about the array of failures that has been her
life to nine-year-olds who have committed the heinous crime of letting their ball cross her privet Line of
Death. Interruption (loss of ball) is predicted to last "until you learn how to play with it properly".

(V) CELEBRATIONS

(i) Goal-scorers are entitled to a maximum run of thirty yards with their hands in the air. But making it 34-12 does not entitle the player to drop to his knees and make the sign of the cross.

(ii) A fabulous solo dismantling of the defence or 25-yard rocket (actually eight yards), but calculated as relative distance because "it's not a full-size pitch" will elicit applause and back-pats from the entire team and the more magnanimous of the opponents.

(iii) However, a tap-in in the midst of a chaotic scramble will be heralded with the epithet "****ing poacher" from the opposing defence."****ing goal-hanger" is the preferred alternative.

(iv) Applying an unnecessary final touch when a ball is already rolling into the goal will elicit a burst nose from the original striker.

(v) Kneeling down to head the ball over the line when defence and keeper are already beaten will elicit a thoroughly deserved kicking.

(VI) PENALTIES

(i) At senior level, each side often has one appointed penalty-taker, who will defer to a team-mate in special circumstances, such as his requiring one more for a hat trick.

(ii) In the playground the best player usually takes the penalties but he may defer to the 'best fighter' or if the side is comfortably in front, the ball-owner may be invited to take a penalty.

(iii) Goalkeepers are often the subject of temporary substitutions at penalties.

(VII) CLOSE SEASON

(i) This is known also as the Summer Holidays, when the players dabble briefly in other sports: tennis for a fortnight while Wimbledon is on the telly; pitch-and-putt for four days during the Open; and cricket for about an hour and a half until they reckon it really is as boring playing as it is to watch

Get in there!


Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Bandwagon!

Always one to jump on a the current meme - and having been tagged - all I can say is.....

Four jobs you've had in your life:
Actor
Barman
Insurance Claims Assessor
Training Consultant

Four movies you could watch over and over:
Casablanca
Groundhog Day
Die Hard
Amelie

Four places you've lived:
Birmingham
Andover
Llandudno
Pontypool

Four places you've been on holiday:
Lake Taupo, New Zealand
Sydney, Australia
Masai Mara, Kenya
Las Vegas, Nevada

Four websites you visit daily:
Yahoo! Mail
The Register
Football365
Guardian Unlimited

Four TV shows you love to watch:
The Sopranos
Life on Mars
QI
Shameless

Four of your favourite foods:
Humuus
Penne Aribiatta
Peking Duck
Steak on toasted ciabbatta with English mustard (no butter)

Four places you'd rather be:
Watching the Northern Lights
Back on the Masai Mara looking for leapords
New Zealand
Cheltenham 2004

Four albums you can't live without:
Ezio - Black Boots on Latin Feet
Sheryl Crow - Greatest Hits
Jose Gonzales - Veneer
The The - Infected