Where there's muck......

I blame Claims Solicitors For Morons Like U Direct and all their Bastard Spawn. It looks like the compensation culture in this country is running out of control.

Picture the scene:

One morning you're walking through your local town centre when all of a sudden you a feel that familiar, uncomfortable bubbling in your stomach. You think back to the night before and the six pints of Old Scrotums Tackleshrinker you drank, the four packets of dry roasted peanuts and the horsemeat kebab you ate and realise, with a sense of creeping dread, that if you don't get yourself to a toilet within the next couple of minutes you will be pebbledashing the high street.

Being a former boy scout you have already noted the location of the public toilets before leaving home so off you sprint (waddle? trot?) confident that you will make it with time to spare. You get to the bus station and discover, to your horror, that the local council have decided to save a couple of quid by closing the toilets.

You weigh up the options. There's a McDonalds six minutes away, a pub four minutes away and a bush three minutes away. But too late - your concentration is broken - a weak fart becomes a warm dribble and then a river of brown, and you stand (very still) regretting the decision to wear your chino shorts.

So what do you do?

You sue of course!

Later that day you injure your arm jumping out of a window to get away from your girlfriend who's about to find you with another woman. Ker-ching!!!

The following day you hurt yourself falling down the stairs whilst running away when you are caught shoplifting a new pair of chino shorts. Ker-ching!!!

It would appear that yet another aspect of American life is making its home over here and we, in return, are becoming greedy and stupid enough to believe that whatever happens to us must be somebody elses fault - and that means payday!

Anyway must go. I've just set fire to my face. "Dear Swan Vesta......"

More tales of the terminally dumb here

The wronged trousers, and other scams