Thursday, September 07, 2006


Orson

Another freebie to see a band.

I have a friend who is always winning prizes in phone-in competition with a local radio station and this time he got hold of tickets to go and see Orson in concert. The competition is called "Live at the local" and Orson are going to be playing a secret gig at a venue somewhere is South Wales for an invite-only audience.

The morning of the gig we're phoned up, given the address of the concert and sworn to secrecy. It's a little pub in Cardiff and we're told to turn up at 6.30pm with ID.

So turn up we do. The pub is small and dark and filling up with people (other competition winners and a fair few liggers) most wearing concert passes around their neck. The stage has been set up at the far end of the pub and it's clear that no-one is likely to be more than a few metres away from the band once they come on stage.

There's a few false starts as people step up to the microphone basically just to say "1-2 1-2 testing" or "not much longer" but at 8.00pm the band are announced and come out on stage. It's hot and loud and surprisingly good. The band play for a little over an hour in total and do all of the tracks from their album and have a fair bit of banter with the crowd. At one point the lead singer walks out in to the audience and sings no more than a foot away from me and the bass guitarist plays on the bar right next to me. Looks like we chose a good spot to stand and watch.

Top tracks of the evening: Bright Ideas and No Tomorrow.

A good gig - especially for free.

Saturday, September 02, 2006

More Top Tips!

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.

Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

Weight-watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place, you fat b*stard.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

Anorexics - When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cake again.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

Olympic athletes - Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower.

Smokers - Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? - Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

High blood pressure sufferers - simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Heavy smokers - Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof.

Corsa drivers - Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so it may as well look like one.

A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair.

At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.

Girls - Don't worry about a nice dress for that important first date. All he's interested in is seeing you starkers.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

Housewives - I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on Boxing Day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.

You're welcome!